“You little shit,” James whispered in my ear before I even had a chance to open my eyes.
The hospital felt cold. I had no idea if it was because it was really cold inside the white hall of a room I was laying in, or whether it was because of the cold feeling I felt inside knowing he was close enough to whisper in my ear.
I could feel his hand pushing down on the bed, but I refused to open my eyes. I did not want to see him. As long as I kept my eyes closed this was nothing but a dream. He wasn’t really here. This was just another one of those nightmares that I would never be free off. The ones where he forces himself into my subconscious mind in order to control my feelings, and therefore also every other part of me.

“Open your eyes and look at me!” he hissed into my ear. “I know you’re awake.”
Slowly I opened my eyes although I didn’t want to. The fear felt like it froze over my heart. I could hardly breathe as I felt the tears stinging in my eyes. I hoped that it would all be over. Shelly promised that he would never hurt me again if I told her the truth. That I would be safe from this moment on. And now he was here. In the hospital. Next to me, coming to finish the job that he had started.
Shelly’s words rang in my ears. I was lucky this time. I had survived. I had healed. Others weren’t always this lucky. Next time… if there were to be a next time I might never be able to heal.
I could feel the stitches in my bottom pulling on the skin, the life returning. How long had it been since I had any painkillers? Or was I merely feeling the pain because the one who had caused it was inches away from me, just waiting for the chance to inflict even more pain; pain that might never go away.
He looked worse than what I remembered him from the night before. There was no grin of power spread across his face as he readied himself to put me in paralyzing pain. The smile had been replaced with his mouth pulling downwards like an old man, his eyes tired like he hadn’t slept in a week.
“I knew you were awake! What the fuck did you tell that stupid little nurse?” James hissed towards me. I could smell the foul smell of his breath. He clearly had not brushed his teeth since I saw him last and if it wasn’t for me being in pain I would have tried my best to get away from him.

I had no idea what to answer, even as I could see every vein in his eyes as he was almost touching my nose with his. He was way too close to comfort. I knew I needed to keep him talking and I started feeling around for the button to call the nurse. It was right next to my hand before I fell asleep.
“Looking for this?” James asked holding up the little remote that had the button that could save my life. “There is no getting out of this little man. What did you tell that stupid, fat nurse?”
“The truth,” I whispered.
There was no fear left in me anymore. Sure, my heart was frozen, but what was he going to do? We were in a hospital. It was the middle of the night. I only had to scream once and everybody would know he was here. More than that, there was no way he could get me out of the hospital. I didn’t even think that there was any way for me to walk in my condition at the moment.

“The truth? Really? Did you tell her how you threw yourself at me? How much you had wanted me?” James asked, his face now so close that his nose actually touched mine with every few words he spoke. The stench of his breath almost more unbearable as his face in front of me.
“I told her everything,” I whispered back to him. “And they are going to lock up your sorry ass.”
I was sassy. I knew it was a mistake, but I could not help myself.
“That’s what you fucking think,” James whispered.
His face suddenly fell as he stood back, leaving the bed, the chair, and me behind him, walking over the window with his back turned against me.
“I have thought about this long and hard E.J. I have loved you for a very long time, and for the longest of time I believed that you would never betray me. I thought that we would never be apart. Even this morning when I phoned your mom to tell her not to come; that you were taking the best of care of me, I still believed that we would be okay. That our love would conquer all.”
It sounded like he was crying, and all of a sudden I remembered about my mom. She should have been here hours ago. Where on earth was she?
“Where’s mom?” I asked.
“On her way. She should be here in about two hours,” James answered. I could not see his facial expression but he sounded bitter. Like all life had been sucked from him.
“After you told her not to come?”
“The nurse!” he yelled as quietly as he could as he spun around. The tears were streaming down his face. If I had not known what a monster he was I could have possibly felt sorry for him in some way. “That fucking nurse that you told phoned her. Told her everything. And that fucking dumb bitch you call a mother fucking believed her!”
I could not help myself from smiling. My mom believed me. It was the best words I have ever heard. Keith was safe. She would never allow James anywhere near him after what he had done to me. She would never allow him near me either. Shelly kept her word. I was going to be safe.
“What the fuck are you smiling at?” James sneered. I could feel some of his spit land on my face but I did not bother to wipe it away. Instead I answered; “Because mom believes me.”
“Your mother is a stupid whore! I tried to explain to the bitch… I told her we were in love… I told her you have been coming on to me for years… That stupid bitch. That fucking stupid bitch.”
James broke down and fell into the chair in front of my bed. I had never seen him like this and for the first time I really understood. He really did think that I loved him. Somewhere in his sick mind he really believed that he never did anything wrong. He believed that each time he raped me I truly did enjoy it. All these years where I thought he just did it to hurt me, only saying that he loved me in order to lull his conscience, I was wrong. In his monstrous, twisted way he did love me.
“You really love me? You don’t see anything you have done as wrong?” I asked. I could hardly believe it, but somehow it all made sense.
“I can’t live without you,” James sobbed, his shoulders shaking as he tried to keep himself upright enough to look me in the face. “How could what we have done been wrong?”
His words slit into me like a warm knife into butter. I could feel it cutting my soul. James wasn’t cruel. He was fucking crazy. Jail would never sort him out. He would come after me, again and again. I would never be free. Not until…
“I don’t love you. I hate you.”
“You don’t mean that.” The sobs that ripped through him were ugly. He didn’t even try to wipe the snot from his nose.
“You’re sick James. Really, you’re sick…” I didn’t know what else to say. What more was there to be said?
“I’m not… I’m not… I love you…” James cried further, now slowly leaning toward the bed, closer to me. I wanted more than what I had ever wanted anything in my life to have the button in my hand to call the nurses. The one he was still holding in his hand.
“It’s over James. You’re going to jail for a very long time,” I answered, watching him come closer and closer, holding my eyes on the button.
“It’s not over… It will never be over…”
“Yes it is.”
“No… I can’t believe that… It can’t be…”
He sat back down on the chair. The button again being far from my reach.
“I am going to scream. I swear.” It was a desperate attempt, but I could not bear to look at him any longer. I needed him away from me. I needed him behind bars. Even if he came back for me. Even if he found me after years of being in jail. At least for now I would be safe. Even if it was just for a few years.
“No you won’t,” James said. His tears suddenly stopped. The sobs slowed down. I watched him stand up from the chair, stretching up to where he stood over me as he stood over me so many times before.
“I swear I will,” I whispered but barely a sound came out. He wasn’t pathetic James anymore. He was the grownup who came into my room where I was supposed to be safe in bed again. He was once again the James I was scared of to the point where I wanted to wet myself.
“No you won’t,” he said and with a smile on his face his hand disappeared into his jackets pocket and out he pulled a pistol. A real one. The one we had used at target practice when James was still pretending his best to be a good father. Chris was still jealous of me because I had shot a gun and he wanted to badly to shoot one himself. I thought he was stupid for feeling that way because he had no idea of the blowjob that bought me the privilege to shoot James’ gun.
“If I can’t have you, nobody will. We will meet up again in heaven. We will be together forever,” James said, his voice low and threatening.
I had wanted to die so many times in my life. I would have given anything for him to point his gun at me the night before. To take my life away from me so that I could no longer feel the pain that he was inflicting on me, but now it was different. I didn’t want to die. I had finally stood up to him. I finally had the guts to take my life back into my own hands and everything he had done to me could finally come to an end. My mom believed me, Chris believed me, even Shelly the stranger believed me. They were going to keep me safe. I had something to life for again. I didn’t want to die now. Not now when I finally had a shot of freedom. When I could finally look forward to sleeping through a night without having to wake up in fear to satisfy James. I had never been afraid to die until now. I was truly afraid. I could feel a shiver going down my spine as the blood once again froze in my veins. Even the hair on my head stood up, warning me that I needed to do something.
“You don’t want to do this…” It was barely a whisper, but I knew James could hear me.
“No. I don’t,” James said. “But I have to. We belong together.”
“Please James…”
“E.J. I love you,” James said as he cocked the gun and aimed it toward me.
I looked death straight in the eyes. I knew there were tears streaming down my face. It had been streaming down my face the entire time, but I could only notice it now. I felt everything around me. I could feel the scratch of the blanket on top of me. The sore bottom that could not move. I could smell the hospital. And I was sorry. Sorry that it had to end this way.
The shot echoed through the air…
The pain struck...
The light beamed from above and I knew…
I was free…