I never knew that the human body could hold that much blood. I could not have imagined that blood could seep out of you with such rhythmic pumps, staining the floor underneath you in a red that was so dark that it almost looked like black.
Looking into the eyes of my abuser wasn’t the worse thing I have ever seen. There was something worse than him walking into your room in the middle of the night. There is something way worse than him pulling down your pants and raping you until you bleed. The worst was when you saw something you had wished for all your life, but realize finally that there was nothing romantic about it. That death could not save you. Death was savage and cruel, painful and quick. It wasn’t peaceful like sleep, where you felt the hurt going away from you. You weren’t just suddenly free of everything you had gone through. You were still bound to it, more than ever even. Meeting death is something that never really leaves you. It haunts you forever. It’s face a traumatic event that changes you until the end of time.
“E.J. Are you okay?”

The eyes of Shelly looked down at me. I was sure that there was no way that I could speak. I didn’t think that I would utter another word again until death consumed me. I could only look as everything played off in front of my eyes.
“E.J? Can you hear me?”
I nodded. I heard her. I could respond to her. But I knew if I were to open my mouth I would throw up. I could not help it. It was like everything inside my body was coming up, wanting to meet the floor beside me.
The cold floor.
I looked down at my hand where the drip was. I must have torn it out of my hand when I fell from the bed. I could see the blood, but it did not matter. It was not nearly as much as the other blood in the room pooling up.
I could feel the arms of Shelly pulling me into an embrace, trying to shield my eyes from all the blood on the floor, acting like a mother should have acted. I could however still see the people running around in the room. One after the other they came in. Some screamed at the sight and ran out again. Others fell to the ground, wanting to see what they could do. I just sat there, allowing Shelly to hold me close as I watched the last bit of James bleed out on the white hospital floor, the tiles forever stained with the blood of a monster who made my life a living hell. The pistol that he first pointed at me before he turned its direction to himself and pulled the trigger, laying near the wall on the far side of the room. I had watched it bounce when it fell, almost in slow motion until it stopped. I could still feel myself tumbling backwards out of bed. And for some reason James’ body hit the ground after mine. His eyes still open and alive. His mouth still moving as if there was something that he still wanted to tell me. And then I could see it. Nothing. Total nothingness. Only a black abyss where his eyes held the place to the soul which was no longer there anymore.

“E.J. Do you think you can stand?” Shelly asked but I ignored her. I could not look away from James’ eyes. It was the last time I would see them. I looked for remorse in them. That he did not mean to do all those terrible things to me. That somewhere he was sorry and that he somehow understood how wrong he was and how many things he had robbed me from. There was nothing. I would never see remorse in those eyes. He was lost to the world. He was dead. I should have been glad, but you cannot be glad when you have seen someone die right in front of your eyes. Maybe if it was an accident it would have been different, but seeing his brains splattered across the room could not make you happy. No matter what he had done to you.
“I want to go to sleep…” I muttered in Shelly’s direction. That was all I wanted. I wanted to sleep and I wanted to forget what I had seen, although I was sure that I would never forget and that James’ eyes would ultimately haunt me for the rest of my life. He had gotten his way. We would be together forever because I would never truly be free of him. He made sure of that.
“Sure honey. You can go to sleep. Now let’s get you out of here,” Shelly said as she lifted me from the ground, helping me to my feet.
I did not feel the pain in my bottom as she led me away one small step at a time. All I could think about was James’ body behind me and the life that was now forever lost.

I looked back at him only once, wishing that I could turn back the time to before James married my mom. I would have begged her to say no. She would have listened and nothing would have ever happened.
“It’s all my fault,” I whispered as Shelly steered me down the hallway. We weren’t making much progress, but we were going as fast as we could as she walked next to me, the bad that led underneath the hospital gown I was wearing in her hand.
“It’s not your fault. He was a sick man, and maybe he needed this. For himself. Maybe he needed to end all the horrible things he had done so that you could be free. He ran away from his problems. He knew he was going to end up in jail. He was a coward,” Shelly said as we turned into a small little room that looked almost exactly the same as the previous one.
I knew she was wrong. James didn’t take his life because he was a coward. Taking his life made him brave. It takes a lot to pull the trigger and end your own life and he did it. But he never saw what he did as horrible. He didn’t want to end it. This was his way of showing me that he loved me. He probably wanted me to follow him and meet up with him. Maybe he wanted to show me that I had the strength to kill myself. James shooting himself was not the work of a coward. He did it out of what he understood was love. He did it for me.
“I’m sorry you can’t be in a private room right now,” Shelly said apologetically, pointing over to a bed behind curtains near the window. “But maybe it would be good for you to have another soul in the room tonight. And as soon as your mom lands and gets here I will bring her in to see you, okay?”
“I really want to sleep,” I said to Shelly again, although I knew there was no way that I would be able to sleep. Truth be told I just really wanted to be alone. I wanted to cry where nobody could see or hear me. But again, that was impossible now. James had ruined everything in my life, even my private room in the hospital.
“That’s okay honey. You can sleep in a moment. I am just going to ask Nurse Hazel to come and put in your new drip and maybe give you something to help you relax for the night,” Shelly said and after helping me into bed she disappeared.
I closed my eyes and laid back into the soft cold pillows, trying to imagine that I was somewhere far away and that everything that had happened in the last hour was all a dream. One of the nightmares I usually got all the time. I wanted it to just be a dream so that I could drift away into a sleep I knew would not come without being induced.
“Do you know what that bang was?” the voice behind the curtain next to me sounded out. It was a boy, as I knew it would be. It wasn’t like the put girls and boys in the same rooms in hospitals.
“Yeah…” I muttered, wishing that the boy would shut up. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I just wanted to imagine that I didn’t exist.
“And? What was it?” the boy asked again. I tried to construct his face in my mind by judging him only on his voice. It was very, very deep. Almost like a grownup, but still with something childlike in it. I decided that he had to be tall. And broad. Very broad. Probably a little over-weight as well, with mousy hair, glasses and a basement apartment at home full of nerdy, gaming stuff.
“My stepdad. He shot himself,” I answered. I had learned. If you wanted people to shut up you had to make sure they were shocked to silence.
“Bummer dude… I’m sorry…” The voice sounded sincere.
“Don’t be. He was a monster,” I answered.
I tried harder to imagine the beach in front of me. My feet playing in the cool, wet sand. I wanted to be there right now. I wasn’t in the hospital. I was playing in the sand. Running around. My mom laughing as I did a cartwheel.
“My stepdad is a monster as well,” the voice rang again. “Name’s Brody.”
I heard the curtain being drawn away from the bed. There was no way I could ignore the annoying kid anymore. I opened my eyes and almost screamed.
The left half showed a boy so handsome that he could sink a thousand ships. His eyes were the bluest blue I had ever seen, against a pale complexion and a strong jaw. His black hair made me swoon. He was what my mother would have called a perfect Irish beaut. But the other half of his face was red and swollen and looked like it was melting off his face. The eye was nothing but a milky white that looked like something from a horror movie.
“What happened to your face?”
All my manners that my mom had tried so hard to learn to me blew out the window. I could not help but asked. He looked terrible.
“I told you my stepdad was a monster,” he said, his lips pulling downwards. “So what did your stepdad do to you? Mine surprised me with some acid in the face after I refused to suck his dick.”
I didn’t know what to say. Maybe I did get off lucky. Maybe Shelly was right.
“He raped me. For many years. He tore me open,” I answered, glad that I could heal. I had a terrible feeling that Brody never would.
“Yeah. Men are assholes. And their dicks bother them way too much,” Brody said and attempted a smile.
“You sound positive,” I mentioned, nodding towards his disfigured face.
“Yeah well… The doctor said when it’s healed we can get some plastic surgeon from California to come and fix me up. Make me look like I used to. Not that I give a shit anymore,” Brody shrugged and leaned back into his pillow.
“You don’t? Wouldn’t you want your face to look like it used to?” I asked. I could not imagine being in his shoes. Losing half my face, especially after looking as good as he probably did.
“Nah… I’m a realist. I know it will never be the same again, but this face is going to do something really good. It’s going to put one crazy fucker away for a long, long time. He will never be able to do something like this to anybody ever again.”
“You’re very brave,” I said. I wanted to say more but just then Shelly entered the room accompanied by another nurse with blonde hair.
“I see you have met Brody. He’s a fighter just like you. A brave guy,” Shelly said as the blonde nurse who I presumed to be Hazel started working on putting my drip back in. “I tried to call your mom, but her phone only went to voicemail so I guess she must still be on the plane.”
“Thanks,” I muttered not knowing what else to say.
“I asked the doctor and Nurse Hazel will give you something to sleep in a second if you need it,” Shelly said, a brave smile dancing over her face. After coming into contact with death I could not believe how calm she was. But then again… I had not spilled a tear since the bang went off.
“I’d like that,” I said as Hazel turned me onto my side so she could give me an injection.
After that everything just started to swim. Everything in the world was fine. Shelly was there and my mom was on her way. Everything was blurring into darkness. James was dead. Brody was brave. Chris was a hero for speaking up for me. I was warm and comfortable. I was safe. It was dark.