Sexually abused children can usually show the following symptoms:
*Stops trusting an adult they have known for a very long time or have always trusted, and would try to stay out of their way as much as possible.
*Is suddenly scared of, or avoid a well-known place or places.

*Develops a sudden fear of taking a bath/shower, or to put on clean clothing.
*Sexual knowledge that’s much too advanced for their age.
*Sexual activities that is too much, or too advanced for the age: for example compulsive masturbation, or playing out adult sexual ideas with other children or adults.
*Massive mood-swings that cannot be explained.
*Weak concentration.
*School marks getting weaker.

*Bunking school.
*Very childlike or infant behavior like; sucking thumb, wetting the bed, or any other activity the child has already grown out of with age that they regress back too.
*Isolation from family or friends.
*Sudden physical ailments without reason such as: stomach ache, headache, etc.)

*Eating disorders, a sudden loss of appetite, anorexia or bulimia.
*Sleeping disorders: Nightmares, insomnia, waking up many times a night, and suddenly wants a night light on.
*Destructive or aggressive behavior: becoming a bully, hurting other children, and breaking things.
*Self-harm.
*Becoming reckless and rebelling against everything.
*Running away from home.
*Suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide.
*Substance abuse.
The following physical symptoms and medical problems could go with sexual abuse:
*Walking difficult because of pain or discomfort.
*Marks on underwear that should not be there.
*Irritation or infection of the genitals.
*Yeast or bladder infections.
*STI’s
*In girls: very painful period cramps, skipping a menstruation, and pregnancy.
In some cases a victim that is being sexually abused will show none of the above symptoms which is why they are then not always believed. This however does not mean that someone is not sexually abused.
But not everything is because of the perpetrator. Sometimes the parent themselves can be just as guilty as the person abusing their children. In most cases the finger can be pointed to the mother when it is the father or stepfather who is the perpetrator, or the other way around.
A mother that does not support her child and protect them is a huge risk for the emotional stability of the child.
The idea of mothers that will not protect their children is very controversial. There are factors that make it impossible for a parent to believe or acknowledge that their child is going through sexual abuse. Other mothers are just not in tune with their child and doesn’t even notice that something is different with their child. Thus communication between the mother and child may be very poor, usually also because the perpetrator made sure that they are the “favorite” parent, and shuts the other parent out – isolating them completely.
Some mothers actually condone and approve of sexual intercourse between a father and daughter, in which case they ignore the pleas of their child. There are many reasons for this. The mother might want to hold the family together, no matter what the cost. This type of mother believes that is she says or does something the family will fall apart and that financially and emotionally she will never be able to make it with a fear of losing her children completely. In these cases the perpetrator has also done his job well with the mother, manipulating and maybe even emotionally abusing them. There are certain mothers that are thankful that they don’t have to have sex with their husbands anymore, being glad he is finding it somewhere else, but still feeling guilty for where he finds it. They could be suffering from massive depression themselves and feel to weak to do anything about the situation. The mother might be scared that the perpetrator could become aggressive and dangerous.
The reality is that mothers that mothers that can financially take care of their children on their own is in a better position to protect their children, another reason why molestation and sexual abuse that continue are more common between poorer families. The mothers who are financially dependent on the perpetrator is in a much more difficult situation and knows that it could lead to them being without money or a roof over their head.
A mother should thus not necessarily be blamed because of her child being sexually abused. There could be many reasons and fears as to why she didn’t know or didn’t do anything. This does not excuse her off course if she saw signs but ignored them. Yet, we all do that in many situations. Just ignoring a problem and hoping that it will go away. What a mother can be blamed for is when their child speaks out to them and they refuse to listen to them or believe them, or blame the child for what has happened. In the end the only person that should actually be blamed is the perpetrator, because everybody else, including the mother is most likely victims of the same perpetrator in one form or another.
Now looking at the consequences of sexual abuse…
Off course every person is different, thus the consequences will differ quite a bit with every single person. Though it is a fact that most victims will have psychological damage, both short and long term, if the victim does not receive the proper treatment. There are four main factors that can and will have an effect on sexual abuse victims which is something that should be looked out for.
1. Through traumatic sexual circumstances the victim will change their views on sex in an unnatural way. Sex can either be associated with fear, negative emotions and memories, and anxiety; or, the victim might feel that sex is the only way they can experience or give love, affection, or attention. Consequential the child with either show an abundance of sexual activity, or avoid sexual activity at all cost. Adults or young adults that has been sexually abused will either show signs of “being a slut” and sleeping with anybody in order to take control, or they will avoid sex completely seeing it as something dirty and perhaps evil.
2. Sexual abuse stigmatizes the child because the perpetrator blames the child and make them feel like they are worth nothing, furthermore they force the child to keep it a secret. Because of this the victim feels guilty and self-conscious and start developing a negative idea of themselves which starts problems like depression, eating disorders, avoiding all relationships, and behavior like self-harm, substance abuse, or suicide.
3. The sexually abused child feels like they have been betrayed by someone who should have kept them safe. This starts distrust in others and feelings of constant sadness, intense anger, and possible revenge fantasies.
4. Children who has been sexually abused also feels helpless and powerless because they could not stop what was happening to them. This can lead to them becoming the eternal victim which can also lead to depression and anxiety.
Adults who were sexually abused as children can have some of the following problems:
*Constant triggers to the memories of what has happened.
*Problems with self-respect and self-consciousness.
*Struggles with having a balanced relationship and will usually end up in dysfunctional or abusive relationships.
*Feeling dead on the inside and isolated from the world or other people.
*Sexual problems.
*Substance abuse.
*Eating disorders.
*Depression.
*Repeating what has been done to them.
Helping your child or friend who has gone through sexual abuse can sometimes be difficult, but sticking to some guidelines can work wonders.
ALWAYS listen and believe what the victim is saying. Children rarely lie about sexual abuse. There is a huge danger of secondary trauma if the child tells someone and they do not believe them, or refuses to listen to what they have been through or are going through.
When the victim tells you what has happened, stay calm and sympathetic. It’s not a good thing to ask too many questions or to threaten the perpetrator with violence. This might make the person pull back into their shell and make them feel scared. Remember that they might have already feared telling you! The best thing you can do is make the person feel safe, and to make sure they know they can tell you anything at all and that they can trust you. Although the word “victim” has been used in this chapter, you should never use the word in front of someone who has been sexually abused.
Make sure you do keep on repeating that it wasn’t the victims fault and that they are not to blame at all. No matter what they say or what your personal feelings may be in the situation. This is not about you after all. You can also tell them that you are glad that they are talking about what has happened to them.
Depending on the type of sexual abuse the victim should actually be taken to a doctor, although some children would try anything not to go, because they don’t want to be naked in front of a complete stranger. If you are an adult, please be forceful about it. The child could have major medical problems because of the abuse. If you are underage yourself and this is a friend this is happening to, try and talk them into going to the school nurse with the problem, but if they refuse back off for a while. Rather talk to a teacher at a later stage if you can.
The best would be to call your local Childline number for sexual abuse cases. They will know the most about the laws in your country and will be able to give you advice on how to help your child or friend. In the previous chapter I have tried my best to compile a list of numbers from all over the world that can be contacted for this purpose. Anyone can call and ask for help, whether you have been sexually abused, or even if you are a concerned friend or a parent that doesn’t know what the next step is you have to take. They can give you proper support as well and help you get the perpetrator out of the house if they are in the house and severing all contact between the victim and perpetrator as soon as possible. The child should not leave the house. That will only lead to them blaming themselves even more and feeling like they did something wrong.
The victim and those around him or her should be given proper counseling. The numbers on the previous chapter can also help you find support groups, or might be able to refer you to someone who can help with this.
But how do we keep sexual abuse like this from happening? That is always the question and possibly the most difficult one to answer…
The biggest problem when it comes to keeping sexual abuse from happening is that people doesn’t want to admit that it happens. There is a huge need for public education on the matter, and everyone should be made more aware that it happens. In the last decade there has been a little bit more education on it happening to girls, but usually not that it happens to boys. Still, on both genders it isn’t nearly enough awareness on the situation going around. Educating others can help them be more aware of what happens around them and also help them to handle it in a correct manner as to not scare the victim into “changing” their story. Parents, teachers, children, friends, and every person from every walk of life needs to know that these perpetrators can be find in any walk of life, in any position, and most likely in authoritarian positions.
A shortage in education puts more children at risk for any and all forms of abuse and misuse. Children that doesn’t know the facts about sex and what it should be is at a higher risk as well. Off course there is a fine line in the balance between making people aware of the situation and problem and spreading fear and anxiety for it. The focus should be on feeling safe rather than how horrible sexual abuse can be. If a child knows that their parents know that sexual abuse does happen and that adults or friends will believe them without being shocked or angry, they will speak out easier if it happens to them. If the child knows that this is something that happens to other children as well they will also not feel as isolated and stigmatized. Making everyone know about this should be everyone’s responsibility. You cannot just rely on the parent educating the child because they might be the perpetrators as well.
Children need to know from a young age that talking about sex, sexual thoughts, experiences and masturbation is okay. If it isn’t a taboo subject at home or at school children will speak more easily about it. Children should know that any type of touch that makes them feel uncomfortable, in any way or form, is wrong and dangerous and that they should immediately be able to tell someone about it. Rather have them express their feelings even if it is something small and maybe unintentional from the other person than having something truly horrible happening.
Furthermore society is a big problem. Their reaction is usually one of shock and disbelief. It is very difficult to speak out to a person who is seen as trustworthy in the community. Only by educating and spreading awareness of these situations will children be supported and be believed, and only then their pain will be recognized.
So if you are unaware of what you can do as an individual to help… It’s easy. Share some awareness. You never know if you might be sharing it in a place where it is needed most. Share a work like this on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or anywhere that you can. Get friends and parents to read it. Write your next book report of a book like this. Support movies with subjects like these. Raise awareness wherever you go. You might just bring something like that into the life of someone you needs the courage to stand up for themselves by speaking out of what has happened to them. Or you might help someone handle a situation like this in the correct way. Yes, just by sharing this book, or the many others out there with this very heavy subject that people are trying to avoid, you can be a huge part of the solution, because even if it helps only one person out there, you have made a difference bigger than what you can ever imagine.
As always… Thank you so much for reading this. I appreciate it more than you can think, and if you are sharing this – you are a superhero to me, making a difference in this broken world that is far bigger than what you can comprehend, but believe me that I know and I am thankful for what you are doing in this fight to stop the horrible acts of others.
With all my love,
C.A. Kerst