TORN BETWEEN LOATHE AND LOVE

"That is not true." He attempts to grab me, but I raise an arm to stop him, and I take a step back. His arms hang in the air.


I stand my ground, unmoved, and so unthreatened. 'Don't even think of touching me."

He drops his hands, cocking his head to the side a little as he speaks. "We love each other, Ellie. You love me. You don't love someone during the day and hate them overnight. Come on! Can't you understand why I did this? It was all for the great love we share."

Great nonsense, my ass! "No, Damian! You did it for your own selfish reasons. I gave you so many chances to clear this up. I pleaded with you up until our very last moment before I flew back here, but your ungrounded insecurities blinded you. Register this in your conscience, Damian; you ravaged what we had. There is no longer us."


"Is this what you really want?" Is he seriously going berserk on me right now? Like, he still has the balls to be mad at me? 'You are throwing away the beautiful love we had just like that? What about your father and my family? What should we tell them? They are not expecting any of this, and you know it, and neither do I want this, Ellie. Anything, but this, please?"

So he is begging, furious, and also trying to bend me into this? So he knows how to be vulnerable? Where was this side of him all those times I beseeched him to let out what was eating him up, huh? I pleaded with him countless times whenever I saw that worrying fear in his eyes. Why didn't he open up then, huh? Why now when it is already too late? Because this is too much to just forgive.


What does he want, and our families? Did he think of all that when he was shamelessly lying to his face? Did he stop to think of what would happen when I found out the truth? Did he think of our family? Did he think of us? Did he think of me? The nerve of him to try and emotionally blackmail me with this!

But, unfortunately, there is my father. The poor man is so delicate. He cannot take any drama. I don't want to put him through any form of harm. I know I have a choice, but sometimes the choices we have are not choices. I can't use the power that my father has given me, even if I want to.

But also, this is a form of betrayal that I just can't overlook! It hurts so much that I want nothing but for this man's face to disappear from me right now so that I can breathe properly. It stings so much because I never could have imagined that he would do this. I feel so stupid, angry, and betrayed. I feel so suffocated.

And you know what is weird? It is a fact that no matter how much turmoil I am nursing inside, no matter how much wrath I am feeling toward this man, there is still a small part of my heart, deep inside, beating for him. There is so much anger in me, yes, but looking at him this closely, I still feel the deep connection. The dismal longing.

I guess he may be right on one thing: that you don't just love someone during the day and hate them overnight. Hating is a process, just like love. And I am also right about one thing: this is too much betrayal to overlook.

Things would have been different if he hadn't known. If we run into each other here by coincidence,. Or that he found out about my identity last night and didn't have a way of telling me.

But no!

That is not the case!

It has been days. Weeks, actually, ever since he found out. I understand his insecurities of not wanting to lose me because he knew how much I loathed my betrothed. I never left any detail out whenever we spoke about that issue. Maybe I am the reason why his insecurities skyrocketed that high. Maybe, just maybe, because what happened to trust?

What happened to trusting in the love that we shared? I remember countless times when I assured him that he meant the world to me. I would fight the world for his sake. No man could ever have my heart. No moron in this one world could ever make me feel what he makes me feel. I assured him that I would still send my cursed betrothed to hell even if he was everything my Damian was. Now I understand where that phrase came from, even if he is all that I am. I guess what he meant all along was, ‘even if I am that betrothed?'

How I wish I had just slipped out of his lips, even just once. How I wish he had trusted me and our love enough to tell me this sooner. But no. He didn't. I trusted him wholly; I even entrusted my life to him, but he didn't trust me. He has ruined everything we had. Everything we could have had. He has hurt me so deeply.

And how I wish he knew that he has not only failed me and our love, but he has also failed the soul of that person who trusted him more than anyone else. More than even me—my mother. She must be so broken in heaven seeing what the man that he trusted the most has done to me.

'Ellie?" he decided to break the silence, 'Do everything that you want with me. Punish me all you want. But please, for the sake of what we had and the people who have waited for this all their lives, don't break this betrothal. I beg you."

I know, right? Those people perhaps don't merit this after all the wait and the trust they have in us. My mother, this might have been all crazy, but she wanted this and trusted on me to fulfill her wishes.

But how can I not break something that is already broken? He broke this! Damian broke it all, and if anyone has to be blamed, may it be known that I am innocent here!